I’m not attached to the idea of attachment. I no longer feel that attachment will be able to dissolve the void that is buried within my interior. I have come to accept the void within me and I no longer waste energy attempting to find humans to dissolve it. All of my previous attempts to remove this void have failed. I’m left with just one option: to fully embrace and accept the great emptiness that lies concretely within my interior. I have come to understand that no one or no thing can fill this for me. It is meant to just be there in its natural dark state.
Prior to 6 years, I remember becoming really nervous when an attractive man came near me. My heart would race, my cheeks would become flushed, my stomach would churn. All I could think about was how I was going to “get” him. I became really self-critical and hyper-interested in learning all about a man’s personality, everything about him. Men were objects for me to obsess over. I was addicted to the build up of sexual desire and fantasy. My imagination was always over-stimulated by the idea of desire, and I developed some obsessive disorders for many years. There existed a lot of confusion in my brain when my fantasy of the men I obsessed over, did not occur in reality. I lived in a place that wasn’t real. I never wanted reality. I wanted the fantastical worlds that my mind was constantly constructing.
Jacques Lacan wrote extensively about sexual sublimation:
“Das Ding is the German for ‘the thing’ though Lacan conceives it as an abstract notion and one of the defining characteristics of the human condition. Broadly speaking it is the vacuum one experiences as a human being and which one endeavours to fill with differing human relationships, objects and experiences all of which serve to plug a gap in one’s psychical needs. For this reason Lacan also considers Das Ding to be a non-Thing or vacuole...The relationships which one relies on to overcome the vacuity of Das Ding are always insufficient in wholly satisfying the individual.”
-Sexual Sublimation from Wikipedia
I am lucky to have constant access to the creative ideas that burn inside my brain these days. My ideas burn now instead of my thighs. Sexual attachment, for me, does not have an enhancing effect upon the fruition of ideas. It has the effect of diluting my purest thought energy and warping it’s direction. Therefore, abstaining from sexual urges is in my best interest since my number one priority is caring for and developing my creative, explosive strategies/art/writing/life. Sexual sublimation is having an almost mystical (I don’t like the word, ‘mystical’, but in this respect, it fits) effect upon my brain. I have strong visions daily which I then put into action. There were many years when I lost my ability to create and act upon pure creative impulses. But my ability is back. I’m grateful that I met and got attached to a man who destroyed my trust in the male species. I’ve been reunited with my imagination because of that disaster. I feel lucky.
Now ideas are so clear and strong, that they seem to appear before me without any conscious thought whatsoever. It is like a film reel being shown to my mind, on a 24-hour basis, where dreaming and reality merge into one giant scene. It’s intoxicating. It feels like I’m going on a first date with my future. I’m not afraid any more. I have my mind back.
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